what you focus on expands.

happy thanksgiving.

osho.. says something that matters a lot to me. especially now.. b/c i am slightly tempted to go into a rant.. but he says.. (just as soc from the book/movie way of the peaceful warrior) that nothing matters but the present.. and everything else is just garbage.. that needs to be taken out so that you may focus upon the present.

and in the present.. i am reflective (lol) and comfortable and aware of the coolness of the air from the ceiling fan... the pleasurable affect of paramore's "i caught myself'' playing low in my earphones.. low enough for me to hear the voicees of my friend's family from the next room as i type this.. i recall the mild feeling of discontent when i thought that i would be spending this holiday season alone and being a student of psychology.. i could see for a second why this is such a high suicide time. this is the time when many people are expected to be social.. to make the yuletide merry or something lol...

well, more than anything i want the option of spending my days and nights with friends.. although i mostly just want time alone.. although i am finding great comfort in the peaceful reclusion i am sharing with my self right now even while surrounded by friend's family...

and i am learning now.. that i am an open channel... something so wonderful has been happening through me lately! this is it: a friend will tell me about something they really want. and i will simply listen to them.. and then as soon as moments later i will stumble upon the thing they were talking about (an iHome, book by Alice Walker or Son House CD) and bring it to them.. and they are happy for the gift... but i see the lesson.. it is this: when you want something.. provide no resistance to your desire.. only think of the thing you want.. that means giving it pure thought and emotion... that means only giving the thing you want your attention and for a short as 17 seconds of thinking of nothing but that thing/person..it can be manifested in your present/ current reality..

and the self is so miraculously complex and perfect.. that those things that you wanted may have been coming to you long before you recognized the desire within yourself.. watch these subconscious desires rise to the surface.. and smile - plain and simple... when you offer no additives or resistance.. it has no reason not to come to you.. immediately...

last night at work.. i was in very high spirits talking with a co-worker of mine (Erin) and she was telling me that one of her favorite artists was Son House and she'd never seen a CD of his... I walked out to the shelf (and was not even looking for the CD) and there one was. I brought it back to her.. This happens all the time.. but lately it seems that I am more and more able to ALLOW my friends' desires to flow through me.. That's why I call myself a channel.. and I know that the reason I am able to do this easily is because i offer no resistance to their desires... so, I can do the exact same for me.. you see? When my friends tell me about something they want I know that they CAN have, be, and do anything & go anywhere they desire.. and so I am willing and able to see that... and so it comes just as I knew it would.

I love seeing my friends manifest what they want and ALWAYS trust that their desires will manifest and so I am seeing more and more of that.. :o) You can do the same for you and your friends! Peace!

make your Self beautiful.

i am once again in that space where i am pleased and comfortable with being ALONE. there's a dark moon supporting all of us in our clearing process at this time. this month's clearing process has been remarkable for me thus far...particularly in terms of relationships. there were several men i was in touch with... and thankfully - after yesterday a few of them were removed from me. a couple of them tell me constantly that they want to have sex with me and each one that i rejected showed me that he is utterly incapable of waiting in love and patience for me...and this is good to know because i refuse to deal with men who lack patience- men who cannot respect a person's need to keep her energy and vibrations pure (that is entirely hers.)... so, i am really feeling being alone right now... and i am connecting in new ways to new friends and loving that too...

i see that my life is becoming more beautiful (or rather i am noticing the beauty that was always there). i am also being artistically exploratory... i am seeking out new music, new movies, new spaces to relax and do homework, i am reading again (give thanks) and i am practicing different spiritual arts again...i feel just fine. <3>

benefits of self-trust

i had the most wonderful string of events happen to me over the last couple of weeks. i will pick out the one that stands out most in my mind. so, after my car broke down and my neighbor who is also my mechanic told me it was the alternator.. we found out that it wasn't the alternator at all.. just a corroded wire and a bad connection.. so all that was needed (i thought) was a reconnection of the wire (simple) and a charging of my battery (FREE)... BUT NO! my mechanic had bad news... what is it, i asked. this car has no brakes on it, he told me.. brakes felt fine to me but i trusted him... and he knows more about cars than me, right? so, i have a yoga class to lead and he says he wants to get me out of the way and just drop my car off to me.. i tell him he can take my debit card to buy the parts and i'll get it later (my mother was not pleased with this)... and the mechanic did not agree. he wanted cash. so i paid him labor ($65.00+) & parts ($46.31 for brakes pads front & back). i gave him $120.00 CASH. later i got my car and he said i needed a tune up. that would cost an extra $20 parts / $25 labor.. no problem. i get the car back.. i take him to get lunch.. i'm excited to have my car back after two weeks of walking and waiting for others for rides (which wasn't that bad at all!)... so, we're good.

i drive my car. brakes feel the same to me.. but whatever. i don't notice anything fishy until my roommate is telling me that i should have gotten the brakes checked before having them replaced. so, i realize.. i haven't gotten ANY receipts at all. i call my mechanic and ask where he put the receipt from the brake pads. i left them in the car, he insists. i can't find them. i call again. this time he sounds defensive and says he'll check his pockets. sounds weird to me. plus i'm intuitive.. so, now i know something's wrong. i ask him to write me a receipt for the labor he's done as well. he says that's no problem. i ride by (he lives right next door).. to pick them up.. he says he'll write them soon. i go by again. he's on the phone with a relative.. apparently there's a crisis. he tells me to come back. i leave his house and go to my friend's auto repair & body work shop because now i know there's something wrong. he takes off a tire... and tells me that the brakes on my car have thousands of miles of wear and tear on them, they do not match the thickness of new brake pads and most likely came with the car and the good news is they have 3 to 4 months of life left on them. now, i know i'm about to go off. i call the mechanic's son & nephew.. i'm close to both of them and i am so upset at this point that i am feeling vindictive and i have it in my mind to expose him and get them involved.. but by Divine Will they are both unable to talk when i call. i calm down. i take my car to the auto parts store where he supposedly bought the brake pads. i ask about it... he got the price slip (which i saw) but never bought any pads. they say this is not the first time something like this has happened.

so, now, it's me and my friend Corey in my car and my friend/new mechanic Queens in the car behind us. we roll up to my old mechanic's house. i ask for the receipt. he writes one for $90. i request a receipt for all the cash i gave him. he asks me what the problem is. i say, nothing, i just want my receipt is all. he rewrites the receipt for $145. good.. so, now, we can talk. i tell him that i had my brakes checked and i am not sure what he did with my money but if he bought brakes he sure didn't put them thangs on my car. he is tongue-tied. laughs a bit out of discomfort. shifts.. paces. and mumbles a few incoherent sentences all in hopes of trying to convince me i am wrong. Queens pipes up and speaks his peace.. and the old mechanic tells me to come back in 20 minutes and he will have my money. i went back.. he had $60. i went back again.. got $30 more. tomorrow morning i will receive the final $30.

at one point the o.m. called me on the phone and said "i don't do business like that..." and i felt that i was truly in a state of peace when i replied: that's fine. we are cool. really. i care about you and we will not do business again. but i want my money. give me my money. we are cool.

all he could say was: "ok"...

so, i learned a lot. get receipts... buy your own car parts.. and it is totally possible to FORGIVE amidst the offense.. and to shift from outrage to vengeance to empowerment to forgiveness to peace-of-mind to joy at more money in my pocket. i experienced first hand- the shift that i have heard so much about. i learned that you cannot continue telling stories from your life in ways that cause you to feel negative emotions and expect to be able to attract those things you actually want... so, i never told my two friends (old mechanic fam members) what happened.. he did. thus, exposing himself.. i also learned that being trusting makes you vulnerable and being taken advantage of hurts but it nearly impossible when you remain connected to yourself... furthermore.. when someone tries to take advantage of you whether they fail or not- it takes true courage to continue being vulnerable (that is OPEN, loving, forgiving and entirely - yourself).

to me the old mechanic.. was just another teacher... teaching me the benefits of staying alert to my inner/emotional guidance system aka intuition or gut feeling... i also saw first hand that allowing one's SPIRIT to move to the forefront and handle a problem is most effective.. SPIRIT is eternal and can see the light in others.. even when they are acting out lower vibrations she can see that it is for your highest good... it is to fulfill a spiritual agreement, to heighten your vibration by providing contrast and giving you the opportunity to clarify a preference (in this case the preference being integrity and security)..

i am grateful for my old mechanic because he presented me with two options.. one: act out of spite, anger & vengeance and two: act out of spirit, peace & grace. I chose the latter.. I am so glad that I did.. because now, i got my energy/money back and my car is fixed... and i have a new mechanic... and i am pleased with myself.

peace.

unconditional self-love

i love myself, unconditionally. i have these words posted in various places so that i can see them regularly. because i just have to remind myself that the source part of me simply adores and cherishes everything that i am... so i never worry when my skin is dry or a boyfriend breaks up with me or i fall behind in a class because... i still love myself and that makes me HAPPY... and if i died today then i would simply return to myself and be pure positive energy and wouldn't give a damn that i didn't turn an assignment in on time... that is how i make it through every semester with A's and B's ... - having this carefree attitude has sustained me simply because i expect it to.

but this type of attitude can only remain when we are not stuck in our EGOS because when we are.. our spirits are no longer heard... when we are stuck in Ego we are constantly judging, comparing, competing.. and defining and measuring our worth by what we own and accomplish... but somebody's mom once said: 'P.S. who you are becoming is much more important than what you are accomplishing... I love you.'

so, the present life condition(s) that i have constructed for myself is that of a too-busy college student (no longer enthusiastic at all)... i am in school full-time (and behind in almost every class), i work full-time... (but my car broke down and i have bills that make it somewhat difficult for me to feed myself at times...) i teach yoga on campus three times a week (sometimes i skip)... my 'love/dating life' is sometimes too much for me to keep up with (if i can't have the one i want... i take more than my share - writing that makes me cringe)... my family is in another state (this is the first time i have ever been alone/ away from family and they left right after my baby brother had 3 strokes and i was sexually violated by someone i've known my entire life.. and so i had to seek outside counsel to deal with that - emotional strain and mental shame...)... and i am WAY behind in my personal studies... and i often feel bothered and annoyed because when i am in my ego... i think of myself as...

an unorganized, often unkempt girl with too much on her plate and real psychological issues (did I mention I was in therapy?)... i get upset with myself for not being on track with school and not being able to keep a decent relationship (romantic & friendship) going for longer than two months... i wonder if i will regret my 20s... and there's so much more... like sometimes i get in moods where i can't stand to be near other human beings... but all this talk is draining my energy...

so, let's talk about when i am in my spiritual frame of mind (which is always much clearer than my egotistical thinking)... those days when i feel most like myself... i can wake up in the morning... look myself in the mirror and think i am simply radiant. i can go through life with many responsibilities and never get stressed... i can go out anywhere and dance all by myself with no liquor and no smoke and feel as free as a bird... i can love and encourage a man out of his misery (and when we are intimate i can literally feel all his emotions - even if he's unaware of them)... i can go to school or work and be the brightest, liveliest person in the bunch... i can attract money easily and share it with whomever wants and/or needs it... i can attract easy, sexy, generous and rewarding life lessons... and i can make it through an entire day without complaining (yippeee!)... i see myself as a person who genuinely loves and cares about people- that is ... i can see the beauty in damn near anyone/anything... i am a person with a pretty solid sense of direction well.. since i carve out my own path and listen to myself... i am aligned and attuned to me and can regain alignment easily and naturally no matter where i am... and i always have the best intentions and am open to learn...

when i see myself through the eyes of Spirit... my mind is clear... when i do not.. i feel heavy and clouded and need therapy... but through it all... i still love myself unconditionally... and i more often choose to see myself through the eyes of Spirit... That's my secret. <3>

A Prolific Dream

before i share: i am in a rather mellow mood as i write this. i am eating a fuji apple, listening to jazzyfatnastees... outside it is winter-cold and it is pouring down rain. i have my Christmas lights on & a pink candle burning. (pink candles attract clean living). i just got back from leading yoga practice on campus... we practiced mindful breathing and then prepared our bodies for meditation we practiced the 'ah meditation' which i learned from baba siva http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SGW7lmKLUQ we continued to focus on our breath and our new created realities and then we closed with three aums/ohms...

today is 11/11/11 (2009.. 2+9=11). we began class at 11:00am. we paused at 11:11am to remind ourselves that all is one.

so here's the thing: this morning i had a dream. i woke up. gathered my things and was walking to school. on my way there i was walking by neighborhoods (which are not actually there in my physical world).. i looked to my right and saw my dance teacher walking towards me. i said hello. she said: "you're up kind of late, aren't you?" i asked her what she meant. it was only 8:00 in the morning. then a man i work with.. this short, stocky white man named dave appeared. we greeted each other... that's when my teacher asked: "why is this city bus parked here?" i then remembered that i had walked passed a parked city bus on my way to school too.. there was no one inside. then dave noticed and said: "these are charter buses." i asked what he meant.. he told me they had price lists on the sides of them. i read the list myself... $10 for a ride to the train station.. $20 for a ride home... and more and more to take persons across state lines.. that's when we noticed that we were the only ones outside... we looked all around us but there was not a hint of life anywhere. i looked around and saw signs that said "lynchings"... there was a worldwide lynching campaign going on... we came back to my house... and appeared in an auditorium full of people. the setting was intimate.. the mood was very calm - something like controlled sadness.. but not overwhelming grief... just very mellow. we had just received news that a mob of white men in black-face & black hoods had gone into a church and shot up a lesbian wedding... they shot people who were sitting around the brides who were elevated in the center of the congregation under a white laced arc (both were white women)... after killing the brides and shooting up the church the men dispersed... there was one that remained and hovered.. going unnoticed amidst the chaos. then he left out the back door. back in the room full of chairs and people marianne williamson was present.. (one of the leading spiritual leaders of our day.. http://www.globalone.tv/) and she was reading from a course in miracles ... and she asked us to turn to page 62 and read article 10 in our copies... in the dream i went to get my copy.. and realized that my mother was present in the dream as well... and then i woke up!


upon waking: i stood up out of my bed.. gave thanks and went immediately to my bookshelf. i grabbed my copy of a course in miracles and turned to page 62.. and there was an article 10 there.. i started crying... then because i have never read this book and so, i don't have much experience with it.. but it seems SPIRIT was guiding me to this specific passage which reads: 10. The calm being of God's Kingdom, which in your sane mind is perfectly conscious, is ruthlessly banished from the part of the mind the ego rules. The ego is desperate because it opposes literally invincible odds, whether you are asleep or awake. Consider how much vigilance you have been willing to exert to protect your ego, and how little to protect you right mind. Who but the insane would undertake to believe what is not true, and then protect this belief at the cost of the truth?

and then my mother called and i told her everything... today is 11/11/11 be mindful! today- it is easy to create.. and to hear messages.. it is easy to feel yourself... listen.. stay tuned in - tapped on - and turned in! stay there... and share everything that you feel led to share. <3>

eternal dance of fortune ..

i woke up this morning and could tell this would be a great day. i hopped on facebook... changed my twitter status.. and began a new post for my blog.. all in good spirits.. and then this Aquarius came along and asked: Hey.. don't get mad.. but you're into girls too right? Well.. I know this girl who wants to have sex with a girl.. Well, she's actually my ex.. and she actually wants to have a threesome.."

my response: The answer is no. But we can talk anytime about womanism, sexuality and spiritual intimacy.

he replied: You have to ask to find the answer.

True.

have you ever been in love? if you have.. you won't have to wonder or guess.. you already know and all those delicious feelings will begin to flood your heart.. their smile will flicker in your memory.. you'll recall something you did together once / somewhere you both went... and you will keep going unless you then remember... "oh, but.. we're not together anymore.." and if you think that thought then you are likely to recall the reason that you are no longer together.. maybe it was something they did or worse something you did that was just SO terrible.. you couldn't possibly move past it to continue to grow with the person you love... so, now.. someone has to learn how to "let go" how to "forgive" and how to be "self-sufficient" and "self-defined.." and you have to love yourself, stay balanced and active and positive... relationships are the greatest teachers.. because the greatest teachers are the ones you are most intimate with. <3

know this: we live our lives through the mind.. our minds make perception possible which is necessary for us to experience Life. (therefore to experience life requires you to be sensual! yes!!!) since we live our lives through our minds those memories that we recall with intensity are times when we were more emotionally and mentally present... and these are the things that have had the greatest influence on us.. and every time you recall these experiences.. you return to them.. you do not have to live something physically to experience it... and every relationship you have ever had.. is eternal (i believe that we enter into spiritual contracts before we enter worlds to lead lives - more on that later, though). and every memory you have.. can be re-written for your personal records.. that means- you can choose what memories to emphasize and what memories to fade (by ignoring them.. be careful though to take the pearl/lesson first and leave the shell/actual experience or it will wash up on your shore again).. the memories that burn the brightest in the mind will be the ones we revisit most often.. and as you recall the things you enjoyed .. you place those things on your path before you.. creating a more pleasing reality for yourself.. this time without all the ill-shit you didn't like.. this is more likely to happen if you actually learn the lesson that the ill-shit was trying to teach.. be brave & learn.. even if it is something you do not want to learn.. you must.. lest you continue to live a life of horrid patterns & cycles.

so.. experiences and relationships never end since their is not such thing as an end within the circle of Life..

"break-ups" do not mean separation since their is no such thing as separation on a plane where everything is one... and the most a person can do is delude you into thinking you are restricted from touching them physically.. but if you understand vibration and the improbability of touch then you understand that if you are sensitive enough then you can still feel them.. (all is one)... you can still remember their 'touch'.. their scent.. you can still remember their voice.. you can still remember the fun times (and as you remember you attract more of that to you!).. you can still feel for them.. you can still think about conversations you had.. and as long as you can still sense them mentally.. you are still connected to them.. the goal is to become comfortable with perceived distance or to understand that there is no distance and no separation at all... when everything is ONE... this is closer to truth.

remember that everything is a teacher.. when people tell you about yourself take what they give and use what you can.. leave the rest for the critters and know that everything you see in others (even those things that you do not like).. are qualities that are likely buried somewhere within you.. since everything you see here is actually your subconscious mind.. try to see how everything is connected and you will become fearless because when all is one.. there is nothing to fear. <3

scents & spirits.

i am pleased to be back again.
i have some thoughts about the relationship of spirit & scent[s].
i have come to notice a pattern.

everything has a vibration! scents do too.. have you noticed that when you smell something familiar it will automatically remind you of someone someplace or something? that's because your sense of smell is most connected to your memory.. scents create feelings and thoughts/memories.. sc3nts that please you.. render thoughts and feelings of pleasure (specific &/or general).. i have long pondered the connection between spirit and breath.. the color purple (on broadway) has a song called The Color Purple... and Celie sings that God is : "Just as close as my breath is to me.." that got me to thinking that maybe spirit is our breath.. spirit enters our body for the first time upon that first breath at birth (some say).. and upon waking every morning (after soul travel in dreams - some say).. the first thing we do is take a deep breath.. and since there are no coincidences.. these are some serious considerations of mine.

now, i have noticed that when i am cleansing (detoxing/fasting) my odor can become strong & bad.. and my tongue gets coated with germs causing bad-smelling breath.. this is normal since detoxing causes toxins to escape the body through any openings (including pores).. so, usually you are using the bathroom more and should shower and brush teeth more often.. because as these toxins/waste materials are being released the smells can become terrible. makes sense.. but what about the people who always smell bad? people with a permanent white coat of toxic waste on the tongue and hair that smells like a filthy toilet? is this just poor hygiene or is this a deeper problem? - an issue with their spiritual health? furthermore.. what level of unawareness & insensitivity is a person moving through this world with if they cannot smell themselves?