but this type of attitude can only remain when we are not stuck in our EGOS because when we are.. our spirits are no longer heard... when we are stuck in Ego we are constantly judging, comparing, competing.. and defining and measuring our worth by what we own and accomplish... but somebody's mom once said: 'P.S. who you are becoming is much more important than what you are accomplishing... I love you.'
so, the present life condition(s) that i have constructed for myself is that of a too-busy college student (no longer enthusiastic at all)... i am in school full-time (and behind in almost every class), i work full-time... (but my car broke down and i have bills that make it somewhat difficult for me to feed myself at times...) i teach yoga on campus three times a week (sometimes i skip)... my 'love/dating life' is sometimes too much for me to keep up with (if i can't have the one i want... i take more than my share - writing that makes me cringe)... my family is in another state (this is the first time i have ever been alone/ away from family and they left right after my baby brother had 3 strokes and i was sexually violated by someone i've known my entire life.. and so i had to seek outside counsel to deal with that - emotional strain and mental shame...)... and i am WAY behind in my personal studies... and i often feel bothered and annoyed because when i am in my ego... i think of myself as...
an unorganized, often unkempt girl with too much on her plate and real psychological issues (did I mention I was in therapy?)... i get upset with myself for not being on track with school and not being able to keep a decent relationship (romantic & friendship) going for longer than two months... i wonder if i will regret my 20s... and there's so much more... like sometimes i get in moods where i can't stand to be near other human beings... but all this talk is draining my energy...
so, let's talk about when i am in my spiritual frame of mind (which is always much clearer than my egotistical thinking)... those days when i feel most like myself... i can wake up in the morning... look myself in the mirror and think i am simply radiant. i can go through life with many responsibilities and never get stressed... i can go out anywhere and dance all by myself with no liquor and no smoke and feel as free as a bird... i can love and encourage a man out of his misery (and when we are intimate i can literally feel all his emotions - even if he's unaware of them)... i can go to school or work and be the brightest, liveliest person in the bunch... i can attract money easily and share it with whomever wants and/or needs it... i can attract easy, sexy, generous and rewarding life lessons... and i can make it through an entire day without complaining (yippeee!)... i see myself as a person who genuinely loves and cares about people- that is ... i can see the beauty in damn near anyone/anything... i am a person with a pretty solid sense of direction well.. since i carve out my own path and listen to myself... i am aligned and attuned to me and can regain alignment easily and naturally no matter where i am... and i always have the best intentions and am open to learn...
when i see myself through the eyes of Spirit... my mind is clear... when i do not.. i feel heavy and clouded and need therapy... but through it all... i still love myself unconditionally... and i more often choose to see myself through the eyes of Spirit... That's my secret. <3>
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