There's Just Me

one of my selves said to me (passive-aggressively).. "what do you do if people are not responsive to you?" [long pause]... she sort of smirked.. wanting me to get that she was talking about me... [my face was blank; there was a twinge of annoyance but mostly emotional detachment (that's my gift)].. i shrugged, then said..."do affirmations." (I'm really big into affirmations these days) ... later that night i attracted a simple message to myself which in short said that if you are noticing that people "ignore or avoid you" give thanks for this... because what they are actually doing is giving you time alone and you may then use this time to figure out what your REAL problem is.

so, last year Kali destroyed my Life. i am extremely grateful! my family lost one of our houses, i lost the same job at the same place a second time in a row (b/c it was shutting down)... my family moved back to new york, i caught my stepdad watching me after coming out the shower after my mother wouldn't believe that he watched me in the shower about a week before.. i've had scary dreams as a result of this.. my boyfriend (whom I was certain I was in love with) broke up with me claiming neither of us was ready for a relationship and ended up back in a relationship with one of his other exes.. that ended a cool friendship of 3 years. i broke up with my two best friends... and my car got into a wreck in the middle of the night while it was parked on the curb minding it's own buisness... it was a lovely year! no, really.. it was... now.. the cherry on top? a guy i really liked... decided that he and i could not "kick it" anymore simply because i lied to him (badly).. and knew i was lying and knew he knew i was lying.. and just kept.. lying. LMAO!!!

the year was fun.. i must say.. but glad that phase is over... and glad i can see clearly what that phase was all about! everything that happened... landed me where i am now... alone... with lots of work to do... the lovers i took, the relationship i indulged, the worries, complaints, fears, weaknesses... the "losses" were all perfect... you see? While I insisted upon hesitating and playing games to distract myself from my work.. while I committed the "sin" of sloth.. and while I pretended to really really really like boys who i actually couldn't stand.. just so I'd have someone there... I was REALLY just afraid to take care of my own needs, to move forward & to do my transformational work..

So, Kali broke my damn foot in the middle of the night... I woke up the next morning with a fracture in my foot... and feet problems signifies a resistance to moving in the direction that Life wishes to take you... and then I simply refused to see a doctor about this foot.. Instead I grabbed an old cane and limped all over Greensboro. I was being quite dumb actually... It wasn't until I realized that I had two weeks to find a job, a home & a car before I was umemployed, homeless & stuck with NO ONE to help me or to care... My ex-boyfriend was living in the livingroom of his friend's apartment.. and my mother was going under.. I had no friends and very little options. I resorted to writing charity letters and searching for work. I was completely stressed out.. eating for comfort.. and then when my stepfather violated the boundaries of our relationship as it was... I was literally on the streets.. staying with whomever I could... I slept in people's beds that I didn't know personally and sort of got this vagabond vibe going... I was dirty and stressed and sad and MAD AS HELL.. and still resisting... my baby brother who is 12 was in the hospital for about a month after having three strokes and my mother ended up shipping my three baby sisters back to New York... I clung to my boyfriend... in EVERY way possible... until he withdrew himself.. by then he had already picked my car.. I had a good day amongst the madness and put on a pretty dress.. listened to my Spirit when she told me to call Ed McKay and ended up going in for an interview the very day the guy I replaced quit... I started living in my apartment... but I was STILL resisting.. my foot was still killing me.. and I was still putting an impossible burden on my ex-boyfriend's head... to be my rock.. my foundation.. and refuge and Savior..

He had never seen me so weak.. but he understood... And so, he did what was necessary for me to wake up.. he left. And then... I had nothing.. no family. no home. no daddy. no friends to fall into. no boyfriend (no SEX!? :((( ... )

Nothing... Except... Me.

For a while I was lost... What the hell was I supposed to do? I was in a seeming permanent funk. I started seeing a therapist.. because I wanted the feeling of support.. but that just put me in a worse funk.. I'm resorting to shrinks!?!? Not even one friend to talk to? I told the brothers from the history club what happened at my home... four of them showed up at my house... but I was still homeless for a while there.. and I had to accept help from STRANGERS.. my heart was broken.. and i was still resisting... I finally took a lover.. a wise man with a poverty mentality.. a perfect reflection of me.. (no matter what.. whoever you're with.. will always be an absolute perfect reflection of you!)... eventually he left me too... i tried a couple others.. but nothing... I just kept coming back to me. All I have. And I started to notice how I'd give me up for a man.. When I was with DJ (my ex).. I became him.. Fear & all... I started to lose the little that I had gained.. I was dull and dark and fake.. and worried about everything... I was my own shadow... But after he left me.. I started to wake up... And after my lover left me... I started to wake up more.. and after I quit my psychotherapist.. I started to wake up even more.. and I remembered all the spiritual tools I had gathered the year before.. See? I got into a nasty habit of learning and reading and doing NOTHING with what I'd been given.. but when I was wrecked and left alone stranded with myself.. I felt a lot like I was floating in the middle of open water.. no shore.. no life-jacket.. jjjjuuuusstttt me.

And so, I started using my tools. When I was with DJ I'd stopped writing.. a clear indication that I was not being myself.. my roommates tried to warn me (lol)...I started writing, meditating, praying.. using my healing stones, listening to my favorite music.. creating collages, ignoring phone calls, going out dancing, painting my nails, painting, detoxing my body, writing down my dreams, doing card readings for myself... practicing yoga... chanting, doing firewell therapy, burning 7day candles.. I was recently introduced to chakradancing. tantric healing.. was practicing huna.. and started RECEIVING... i totally got back to me!!!! And now, my goals are expansive.. I am happily single, I am finishing up undergrad by the end of the summer.. my car and credit card will be paid off NEXT WEEK!! i've cleared my closet, my bedroom, my bookshelves, my cellphone and my mind... i doing chakra healing, mudras, yoga, steaming.. I eat live food, I actively & deliberately create my reality and I study the things that interest me... and I am becoming more and more aware of the perfection of the process of Life, how there is only me.. everywhere.. and a fearlessness my world's destruction introduced me to... I am more willing and able to let go & to move when Life wants me to.. because I see clearly now.. It is for the highest good of everyone involved! LOL

Be peace.
Ciao.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBERljqHnzk